After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Study: Autism Linked To Rainfall

A study from Cornell University has found a correlation between higher levels of precipitation and incidences of autism. What do you think?
  • "If you had to stay indoors all day, you'd probably get pretty bored and decide to develop autism, too."

    Ryan Boelter MRI Technician
  • "How ridiculous. That's like saying excessive sunshine causes cancer. You can't believe studies like this."

    Eric Stadtmiller Snowplow Operator
  • "That's it. I'm never going to force my kids to stand outside in the rain again."

    Brandi Seaver Projectionist

After Birth

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