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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Study: Average American’s Interests Have Practically No Influence On Government Policy

A new study has found that when taking into account the heavy power and influence of special interest groups and the economic elite in politics, the impact of an average citizen’s interests when it comes to determining policy is virtually nothing. What do you think?

  • “Those nice letters from my congressman are enough for me.”

    Daniel Koerper Payroll Coordinator
  • “I should be angry, but honestly, I’m pretty relieved the pressure is off.”

    Maggie Bernstein Coffee Grinder Supervisor
  • “They could’ve at least softened the blow by including some broad platitudes about how we’re still what makes this country great.”

    Kyle Sisk Laptop Duster

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