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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Study: Average American’s Interests Have Practically No Influence On Government Policy

A new study has found that when taking into account the heavy power and influence of special interest groups and the economic elite in politics, the impact of an average citizen’s interests when it comes to determining policy is virtually nothing. What do you think?

  • “Those nice letters from my congressman are enough for me.”

    Daniel Koerper Payroll Coordinator
  • “I should be angry, but honestly, I’m pretty relieved the pressure is off.”

    Maggie Bernstein Coffee Grinder Supervisor
  • “They could’ve at least softened the blow by including some broad platitudes about how we’re still what makes this country great.”

    Kyle Sisk Laptop Duster

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