After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
End Of Section
  • More News

Study: Behavioral Problems Linked To Irregular Bedtimes

A study of 3-, 5-, and 7-year-olds in the United Kingdom found that children without regular bedtimes got into fights more often and were more likely to be overly emotional or withdrawn, though the study noted that such effects could be reversed if parents imposed and adhered to a fixed bedtime every night. What do you think?

  • “So I should stop waking my son up in the middle of the night when I get lonely?”

    Riley Whitfield Dragline Operator
  • “It’s best to prepare them for a life of dull, monotonous routine early on.”

    Albert McGill Milk Sampler
  • “But my bedtime stories are best told haphazardly and without notice.”

    Linda Smith Systems Analyst

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.