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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Study: Brushing, Flossing May Prevent Heart Disease

Researchers at Columbia University found a link between regular brushing and flossing of the teeth and a slower rate of plaque buildup in individuals’ arteries, suggesting a lower likelihood of suffering a heart attack or stroke. What do you think?

  • “Yes! Another excuse to floss!”

    James Silverberg Security Guard
  • “I’ll floss when it results in something really special.”

    Ruby Milio Hairdresser
  • “I’ve been flossing since 1993. I’m going to live forever!”

    Anthony Powell Furniture Restorer

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