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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Study: Bullies Derive Health Benefits From Behavior

According to a new study, adolescents who bullied others showed lower levels of inflammation, leaving them at lower risk of heart disease and other chronic conditions, while their victims showed much higher inflammation levels. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, but if I stood up for myself then I’d be dead already.”

    Doug Corman Internet Security Expert
  • “The trick is to bully someone just enough that you reap the health benefits but not so much that they come to school and kill you.”

    Beth Granger Duplex Realtor
  • “At least I took all those punches for someone.”

    Mike Haffeman Genealogist
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