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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Study: Bullies Enjoy Pain Of Others

Brain scans showed activity in the pleasure centers of aggressive teens who were exposed to images of one person hurting another. What do you think?
  • "What kind of sicko has all these violent videos just lying around to show to teens?"

    Marilyn Burton Systems Analyst
  • "Sure, but they also responded positively to images of two grown, consenting adults making love."

    Todd Burke Exterminator
  • "Yeah, it's really funny when other people get hurt. Hey, you want a hertz doughnut?"

    Jeff Posdal Livery Cab Driver

After Birth

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