Study: Childless Couples Have Happier Marriages

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Vol 50 Issue 03

Jay Z Honored To Be Nominated In Same Category As Jay Z

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he was thrilled to be considered alongside such a talented and respected musician, hip-hop artist and 2014 Best Rap Album Grammy nominee Jay Z told reporters today that he feels “deeply honored” to be nominated in...

Lunchbox Mostly Medication

Inclement weather prevents a liar from getting to work, thousands of athletes who will disgrace their country eagerly train for the Winter Olympics, and a lunchbox is mostly medication.

Mascot Absolutely Reeks

SYRACUSE, NY—Saying that they probably never clean the thing, sources confirmed Friday that Syracuse University’s mascot Otto the Orange absolutely reeked as he wove his way in and out of stands.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Small Business

Study: Childless Couples Have Happier Marriages

According to research from a British university, childless couples are happier with their relationships and feel more valued by their partners than couples that have children, with the results holding true for both heterosexual and homosexual couples. What do you think?

  • “My parents did always tell me I was the source of their unhappiness.”

    Phyllis Ireland
    Wax Pourer
  • “So that’s why barren women always look so happy.”

    Denny Duchesne
    Locksmith
  • “What are you saying, Sheila? Are you saying you want a divorce?”

    Brian O’Hara
    Railroad Track Inspector
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