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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Study: Children’s Drawings Predict Intelligence Later In Life

A new study has found that young children who draw pictures of people accurately, judged by whether the drawing includes the correct number of limbs and facial features, are more likely to have higher IQs as adolescents. What do you think?

  • “I think it’s a little judgmental to assume that there is a ‘correct’ number of limbs.”

    Jay Hamilton Teleprompter Operator
  • “That’s why I make sure to always attach some of my childhood drawings to my resume.”

    Rich Avery Unemployed
  • “Got it. I’ll kill my child’s imagination right away.”

    Ellen Bennet IV Drip Bag Assembler

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