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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Study: Cost Of Raising Kid In U.S. Now $240,000

The Department of Agriculture calculated that the cost of raising a child born in 2012 until his or her 18th birthday, including food, shelter, daycare, and other expenses, will total $241,080 for the average middle-class American family. What do you think?

  • “But just ask any parent if it was worth it, and I’m sure they’ll tell you ‘maybe.’”

    Buddy Wohl Log Sorter
  • “That’s why I’m opting for one of those discount kids. You remember them from school: badly dressed, funny smell, no money for lunch.”

    Albert Whilden Hydroponics Grower
  • “Thank God my womb is barren.”

    Barbara Holmberg Trimming Finisher
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