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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Study: Cost Of Raising Kid In U.S. Now $240,000

The Department of Agriculture calculated that the cost of raising a child born in 2012 until his or her 18th birthday, including food, shelter, daycare, and other expenses, will total $241,080 for the average middle-class American family. What do you think?

  • “But just ask any parent if it was worth it, and I’m sure they’ll tell you ‘maybe.’”

    Buddy Wohl Log Sorter
  • “That’s why I’m opting for one of those discount kids. You remember them from school: badly dressed, funny smell, no money for lunch.”

    Albert Whilden Hydroponics Grower
  • “Thank God my womb is barren.”

    Barbara Holmberg Trimming Finisher

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