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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Study: Cost Of Raising Kid In U.S. Now $240,000

The Department of Agriculture calculated that the cost of raising a child born in 2012 until his or her 18th birthday, including food, shelter, daycare, and other expenses, will total $241,080 for the average middle-class American family. What do you think?

  • “But just ask any parent if it was worth it, and I’m sure they’ll tell you ‘maybe.’”

    Buddy Wohl Log Sorter
  • “That’s why I’m opting for one of those discount kids. You remember them from school: badly dressed, funny smell, no money for lunch.”

    Albert Whilden Hydroponics Grower
  • “Thank God my womb is barren.”

    Barbara Holmberg Trimming Finisher

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