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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Study: Couples Who Throw Big Weddings Have Happier Marriages

A new study of married couples found that pairs who threw big weddings, defined as having 150 guests or more, reported having happier marriages than those who had weddings with 50 guests or fewer. What do you think?

  • “You can’t even put together a decent registry with 50 guests.”

    Danielle Vonn Urban Farming Expert
  • “Without a doubt, the more emotionally and financially entangled you are in your distant relatives’ lives, the happier you become.”

    Carter Benson Airport Shuttle Driver
  • “I hope this doesn’t encourage some couples to throw lavish wedding ceremonies beyond their financial means.”

    Rob Tollinger Suitcase Packer

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