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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Study: Couples Who Throw Big Weddings Have Happier Marriages

A new study of married couples found that pairs who threw big weddings, defined as having 150 guests or more, reported having happier marriages than those who had weddings with 50 guests or fewer. What do you think?

  • “You can’t even put together a decent registry with 50 guests.”

    Danielle Vonn Urban Farming Expert
  • “Without a doubt, the more emotionally and financially entangled you are in your distant relatives’ lives, the happier you become.”

    Carter Benson Airport Shuttle Driver
  • “I hope this doesn’t encourage some couples to throw lavish wedding ceremonies beyond their financial means.”

    Rob Tollinger Suitcase Packer
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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