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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Study: Crocodiles Can Climb Trees

A new study published in the journal Herpetology Notes found that tree climbing is a common behavior among crocodiles on multiple continents, with some crocodiles able to climb vertically up a tree as long as there are branches to use as footholds. What do you think?

  • “Big deal. Theoretically, so could I.”

    David Thurman Public Record Archivist
  • “I’ve seen pictures of this. They climb up the palm tree, tie a hammock to it, put on sunglasses, and then take a nap while sipping a rum drink.”

    Patrick Kearns Grocery Stocker
  • “Ain’t that just like a crocodile.”

    Karyn Long Unemployed
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