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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Study: Crocodiles Can Climb Trees

A new study published in the journal Herpetology Notes found that tree climbing is a common behavior among crocodiles on multiple continents, with some crocodiles able to climb vertically up a tree as long as there are branches to use as footholds. What do you think?

  • “Big deal. Theoretically, so could I.”

    David Thurman Public Record Archivist
  • “I’ve seen pictures of this. They climb up the palm tree, tie a hammock to it, put on sunglasses, and then take a nap while sipping a rum drink.”

    Patrick Kearns Grocery Stocker
  • “Ain’t that just like a crocodile.”

    Karyn Long Unemployed

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