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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Study: Dads Who Do Dishes Have More Ambitious Daughters

According to a new study, the daughters of men who regularly wash the dishes are more likely to aim for prestigious professions in a wider range of fields than the daughters of parents who don’t share domestic chores equitably. What do you think?

  • “That would explain my daughter’s uncontrollable thirst for power.”

    Matt Thune Dishwasher
  • “Meanwhile, our nation’s sons still have no options at all.”

    Rebecca Ben-Victor Office Manager
  • “What’s the precise division of domestic duties my wife and I need to embrace to make sure my daughter becomes an actuary?”

    Henry Stifel Systems Analyst

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