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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Study Disputes ‘Fat But Fit’ Claim

Challenging the idea that obesity is benign if the person is metabolically healthy, a new study in the Annals Of Internal Medicine has found that even if an obese person has normal blood pressure and cholesterol levels, they have a higher risk of dying from heart disease than those with a lower body mass index. What do you think?

  • “Why can’t the Annals Of Internal Medicine just tell me what I want to hear for once?”

    Dennis Curto Fitting Room Inspector
  • “Science has really been on a tear lately in terms of undermining what Uncle Marty says.”

    Melanie Swartz Waybill Clerk
  • “Might as well go the whole nine yards and just be fat and sedentary.”

    Ben Levine Assistant District Attorney

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