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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Study Disputes ‘Fat But Fit’ Claim

Challenging the idea that obesity is benign if the person is metabolically healthy, a new study in the Annals Of Internal Medicine has found that even if an obese person has normal blood pressure and cholesterol levels, they have a higher risk of dying from heart disease than those with a lower body mass index. What do you think?

  • “Why can’t the Annals Of Internal Medicine just tell me what I want to hear for once?”

    Dennis Curto Fitting Room Inspector
  • “Science has really been on a tear lately in terms of undermining what Uncle Marty says.”

    Melanie Swartz Waybill Clerk
  • “Might as well go the whole nine yards and just be fat and sedentary.”

    Ben Levine Assistant District Attorney

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