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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Study: Dolphins Call Each Other By Name

According to a new study, dolphins call and respond to one another using distinctive, personalized whistles, suggesting the marine mammals use and recognize individual names for each member of their social group. What do you think?

  • “Can’t dolphins just let us have this one thing?”

    Colleen Stoltz Unemployed
  • “When they can’t remember some dolphin’s name, is there a whistle so they can call him Chief?”

    Steven Jolly Adjustment Clerk
  • “Gary Larson was right!”

    Drew Goline Golf Club Weigher

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