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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Study: Double Dating Ignites Passion In Relationships

According to recent research, going on double dates increases romance between couples because sharing intimate thoughts and feelings with other pairs helps reignite the passion of early dating and brings people closer together. What do you think?

  • “It’s true. Nothing’s hotter than trying to divvy up a restaurant bill.”

    Deirdre Corcoran Payroll Processor
  • “Yes, my penis was rock hard the entire time my wife and I were out with Tom and Linda last week.”

    Johnny Kalder Dock Worker
  • “I’ve tried that! I’ve tried everything! The spark is just gone! Oh, God! Janet, what happened to us?”

    Mark Readman Hardwood Installer
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