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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Study Finds Dogs Can Experience Jealousy

A new study has found that dogs are capable of experiencing feelings of jealously similar to those of humans. What do you think?

  • “But what do dogs have to be jealous about? They’ve got it all.”

    Barry Knish Unemployed
  • “What a gift this could be for families looking to abuse their pets in subtle, emotionally manipulative ways.”

    Marjorie Hamblin Wedding Cake Designer
  • “I’m not sure I want a pet I can relate to quite that much.”

    Greg Siegel Deck Fixer

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