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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Study: Firstborn Children Have More Ambition

A new study from the University of Essex has found that firstborn children are on average more ambitious and accomplished than their younger siblings, while firstborn girls are 13 percent more likely to pursue higher education than firstborn sons. What do you think?

  • “I like to think that I have equally low expectations of all my children.”

    Jonathan Rhodes Executive Producer
  • “I knew there had to be a scientific reason my sister has a job and I don’t.”

    Michael Atwater Unemployed
  • “As a second-born girl, I’d just like to say wooooo! Spring break!”

    Jennifer Gillen Marketing Liaison

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