Study: Firstborn Children Have More Ambition

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Vol 50 Issue 18

Area Man Nervously Asks Girlfriend If She’ll Settle

WASHINGTON—Visibly anxious after bringing his longtime girlfriend to local pub The Bier Baron, area man Noel Johnson reportedly got down on one knee Friday and finally mustered the courage to ask Amanda Spaid whether she was willing to settle for hi...

Bodybuilder's Veins Now Outside Of His Skin

A poll finds 56% of voters think the country is better off than it was 4 eons ago, a brutally honest new Revlon ad campaign reminds customers you can’t change who you are, and a bodybuilder’s veins are now outside of his skin.

McDonald’s Testing Do-It-Yourself Seasoned Fries

McDonald’s confirmed they’re testing do-it-yourself seasoned french fries, which customers assemble by pouring packets of flavoring onto the fries in a special mixing bag, a concept that was introduced by Burger King in 2002 and failed.

Bus Rider Acting Like Fight Not Happening 4 Feet Away

CHICAGO—Steadfastly staring at his iPhone screen as the shouting grew louder, local man Kyle Rankin spent his bus ride Friday morning acting as if a rapidly escalating argument between two passengers was not happening directly across the aisle from ...
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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Study: Firstborn Children Have More Ambition

A new study from the University of Essex has found that firstborn children are on average more ambitious and accomplished than their younger siblings, while firstborn girls are 13 percent more likely to pursue higher education than firstborn sons. What do you think?

  • “I like to think that I have equally low expectations of all my children.”

    Jonathan Rhodes
    Executive Producer
  • “I knew there had to be a scientific reason my sister has a job and I don’t.”

    Michael Atwater
    Unemployed
  • “As a second-born girl, I’d just like to say wooooo! Spring break!”

    Jennifer Gillen
    Marketing Liaison
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