Study: Handful Of Nuts Each Day Lengthens Life

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Vol 49 Issue 48

Infertile Aunt Doing It Up Big At Kids Table

CHICOPEE, MA—Eliciting repeated waves of laughter and making sure to include everyone in her lively conversations, local aunt Gina Coleman, a childless and infertile woman, is really hamming it up at the kids table this Thanksgiving, sources have co...

Nation Celebrates Thanksgiving

All across the country, Americans are gathering with their loved ones to celebrate Thanksgiving. What are you thankful for this year?

Comet Could Light Up Sky In Northern Hemisphere

The comet ISON will fly close to the sun on Thursday, and if it manages to survive without being ripped apart, astronomers say the celestial body could produce a brilliant spectacle in the Northern Hemisphere that’s visible to the naked eye througho...

School Teacher Not About To Risk Her Life For Derek

CLARKSVILLE, TN—Saying she felt no responsibility whatsoever to protect the 14-year-old student if it meant dying for the kid, local East Parkview High School history teacher Angela Wells told reporters today that in the event of a school shooting, ...

The Onion’s Tips For Traveling Over The Holidays

You never know when you’ll get stranded at an airport or train station, so make sure you don’t go hungry by packing two large burlap sacks full of steak meat and apples. Exchange knowing glances with the TSA agent. You’re one of the goo...

Total Nerd Actually Owns His Own Computer

PROVIDENCE, RI—Matthew Jorgensen, a complete and total nerd who sources speculate likely has no tangible social life, actually both owns and regularly uses his own personal computer, reports from those with knowledge of Jorgensen’s geeky hobby...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Study: Handful Of Nuts Each Day Lengthens Life

A recent study found that people who ate a handful of nuts five or more times per week lived longer than people who rarely consumed nuts, with nut-eaters experiencing a 29 percent lower risk of dying from heart disease and 11 percent lower risk of dying from cancer. What do you think?

  • “But what if you have little hands? What then?”

    Valerie Crusoe
    Server Technician
  • “Looks like I owe that weird nut guy at work an apology.”

    Lamont Carson
    Bookbinder
  • “Squirrels have always known this.”

    Alton Dumont
    Propeller Maker
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