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Study: Handful Of Nuts Each Day Lengthens Life

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WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

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CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

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Study: Handful Of Nuts Each Day Lengthens Life

A recent study found that people who ate a handful of nuts five or more times per week lived longer than people who rarely consumed nuts, with nut-eaters experiencing a 29 percent lower risk of dying from heart disease and 11 percent lower risk of dying from cancer. What do you think?

  • “But what if you have little hands? What then?”

    Valerie Crusoe
    Server Technician
  • “Looks like I owe that weird nut guy at work an apology.”

    Lamont Carson
    Bookbinder
  • “Squirrels have always known this.”

    Alton Dumont
    Propeller Maker

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