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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Study: Handful Of Nuts Each Day Lengthens Life

A recent study found that people who ate a handful of nuts five or more times per week lived longer than people who rarely consumed nuts, with nut-eaters experiencing a 29 percent lower risk of dying from heart disease and 11 percent lower risk of dying from cancer. What do you think?

  • “But what if you have little hands? What then?”

    Valerie Crusoe Server Technician
  • “Looks like I owe that weird nut guy at work an apology.”

    Lamont Carson Bookbinder
  • “Squirrels have always known this.”

    Alton Dumont Propeller Maker

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