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Study: Housecats Kill Billions Of Animals A Year

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Study: Housecats Kill Billions Of Animals A Year

According to a new study, the nation’s population of domestic housecats and feral strays kills an estimated 2.4 billion birds and 12.3 billion mammals each year, far more than scientists previously believed. What do you think?

  • “Yes, but they are also so schmoogums.”

    Kelly Anderson Vineyard Laborer
  • “Just out of curiosity, how many cans of tuna does one of these little slaughterers require to knock off, say, a business partner?”

    Mike Eddo Film Studio Owner
  • “Who would have thought cats could be such assholes?”

    Horace Prince Belt Grinder

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