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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Study: Housecats Kill Billions Of Animals A Year

According to a new study, the nation’s population of domestic housecats and feral strays kills an estimated 2.4 billion birds and 12.3 billion mammals each year, far more than scientists previously believed. What do you think?

  • “Yes, but they are also so schmoogums.”

    Kelly Anderson Vineyard Laborer
  • “Just out of curiosity, how many cans of tuna does one of these little slaughterers require to knock off, say, a business partner?”

    Mike Eddo Film Studio Owner
  • “Who would have thought cats could be such assholes?”

    Horace Prince Belt Grinder

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