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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Study: Housecats Kill Billions Of Animals A Year

According to a new study, the nation’s population of domestic housecats and feral strays kills an estimated 2.4 billion birds and 12.3 billion mammals each year, far more than scientists previously believed. What do you think?

  • “Yes, but they are also so schmoogums.”

    Kelly Anderson Vineyard Laborer
  • “Just out of curiosity, how many cans of tuna does one of these little slaughterers require to knock off, say, a business partner?”

    Mike Eddo Film Studio Owner
  • “Who would have thought cats could be such assholes?”

    Horace Prince Belt Grinder

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