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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Study: Infants Can Smell Mothers’ Fears

A new study has found that mothers can pass on fears to their newborn infants through odors that help to transmit old traumas, bad memories, and phobias, which teaches them about what to fear in the world. What do you think?

  • “I think I’m still going to make a list of everything my child should be afraid of, just in case.”

    Christine Fisher Unemployed
  • “That explains why my baby cries whenever he gets anywhere near emotional intimacy.”

    Debora Mann Tour Guide Trainer
  • “I hope this doesn’t lead to people blaming their mothers for their psychological issues.”

    Allan Naft Parole Officer

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