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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Study: Kids Perform Better When Schools Ban Cell Phones

According to a new study from the London School of Economics, kids attending schools that ban cell phones during the day scored 6 percent better on tests than peers at schools that let kids have phones with them. What do you think?

  • “Don’t make my child choose between a quality education and top-tier content.”

    Bert Rowe Healer
  • “If I’m going to spend that much money on my kid’s iPhone 6, I expect him to flaunt it.”

    Ken Schmidt Systems Analyst
  • “Good luck. The last time I tried to take away my daughter’s cell phone, she bit me deep.”

    Jennifer Vargas Graphic Designer

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