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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Study: Kids With Less Structured Schedules More Successful

According to new research, young children who are afforded more flexibility in their schedules to engage in open-ended, less supervised activities like reading and drawing develop better executive functioning skills than those with structured activities like piano lessons. What do you think?

  • “So piano lessons are why I’m a fuckup?”

    Gabrielle Shoker Assistant Principal
  • “Then my kids must be doing great, wherever they are right now.”

    Matt Lynch Furniture Resale Associate
  • “But rich kids are still better than poor kids, right?”

    Christopher Willis Programmer

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