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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Study: Lab Mice Stressed Out By Male Scientists

A new study has found that laboratory mice and rats experience more stress in the presence of male researchers than they do with female researchers. What do you think?

  • “What about male scientists who have soft, tiny, feminine hands?”

    Ken McCain Oyster Shucker
  • “Next time I’m around a mouse or a rat I’m going out of my way to put it at ease.”

    John Katt Race Starter
  • “These mice need some healthy perspective. Would they prefer being fed alive to boa constrictors? Would they?”

    Jackie McKrell Pageant Director

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