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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Study: Lab Mice Stressed Out By Male Scientists

A new study has found that laboratory mice and rats experience more stress in the presence of male researchers than they do with female researchers. What do you think?

  • “What about male scientists who have soft, tiny, feminine hands?”

    Ken McCain Oyster Shucker
  • “Next time I’m around a mouse or a rat I’m going out of my way to put it at ease.”

    John Katt Race Starter
  • “These mice need some healthy perspective. Would they prefer being fed alive to boa constrictors? Would they?”

    Jackie McKrell Pageant Director

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