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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Study: Lab Mice Stressed Out By Male Scientists

A new study has found that laboratory mice and rats experience more stress in the presence of male researchers than they do with female researchers. What do you think?

  • “What about male scientists who have soft, tiny, feminine hands?”

    Ken McCain Oyster Shucker
  • “Next time I’m around a mouse or a rat I’m going out of my way to put it at ease.”

    John Katt Race Starter
  • “These mice need some healthy perspective. Would they prefer being fed alive to boa constrictors? Would they?”

    Jackie McKrell Pageant Director

More from this section

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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