Study: Life On Earth Has 1.75 Billion Years Left

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Vol 49 Issue 39

Jay Kogen

Caricature artist Jay Kogen went easy on the jowls.

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Four Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week four games: 49ers at Rams OSN’s Lock Of The Week: 49ers — The 49ers will rebound after a pair of tough losses in...

Scientists Recommend Having Earth Put Down

FORT COLLINS, CO—Claiming that it is the humane thing to do, and that the planet is “just going to suffer” if kept alive any longer, members of the world’s scientific community recommended today that Earth be put down. “We re...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Study: Life On Earth Has 1.75 Billion Years Left

A new study found that our planet will remain habitable for life forms for at least the next 1.75 billion years, after which the sun’s increasing heat will burn off all the liquid water on the planet and render Earth unfit for life to exist. What do you think?

  • “Is the moon going to be okay?”

    Buck Schuler
    Kennel Attendant
  • “So long, credit card debt!”

    Lucille Shepherd
    Ice Cream Truck Driver
  • “I bet we can get that down to a clean 1 billion.”

    Keith Fleischmann
    Realtor
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