adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Study: Life On Earth May Have Started On Mars

According to scientist Steven Benner, conditions on Mars 3 billion years ago were more conducive than those on Earth to creating one of the earliest molecules of life, RNA, and that meteorites may have transported these molecules to Earth’s surface. What do you think?

  • “The Lord works in mysterious ways.”

    Andre Crocker IT Specialist
  • “I’ll read that study only if it’s published in a mass-market glossy periodical with a hand-painted depiction of the Red Planet and the title ‘Is Mars Eden?’ in bold font.”

    Agatha Parnell Concierge
  • “My annoying platitude about us all being immigrants is even truer than I knew.”

    Sven Duncan Unemployed

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close