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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Study Links Meat, Cheese To Early Death

According to a new study, people between the ages of 50 and 65 with diets high in animal protein like meat and cheese were 74 percent more likely to die prematurely than those getting their protein from plant-based sources like beans and nuts. What do you think?

  • “It’s sad to think of all those elderly vegans with no one left to condescend to.”

    Alex Gallagher Systems Analyst
  • “What are you trying to say? That there’s some sort of link between meat, cheese, and early death?”

    Beth Forrest Coat Rack Assembler
  • “Yeah, but what a way to go.”

    Arthur Rogerson Flag Sewer

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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