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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Study Links Meat, Cheese To Early Death

According to a new study, people between the ages of 50 and 65 with diets high in animal protein like meat and cheese were 74 percent more likely to die prematurely than those getting their protein from plant-based sources like beans and nuts. What do you think?

  • “It’s sad to think of all those elderly vegans with no one left to condescend to.”

    Alex Gallagher Systems Analyst
  • “What are you trying to say? That there’s some sort of link between meat, cheese, and early death?”

    Beth Forrest Coat Rack Assembler
  • “Yeah, but what a way to go.”

    Arthur Rogerson Flag Sewer

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