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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
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Study Links Negative Tweets To More Heart Disease

According to a new study, tweets that convey negative emotions such as hate, hostility, or boredom correlate to higher rates of heart disease-related deaths in the surrounding community. What do you think?

  • “Well, then it’s a good thing that the vast majority of tweets are so positive and uplifting.”

    Dave Cooper Art Instructor
  • “But how else am I supposed to deal with my emotions other than throwing them carelessly into a void?”

    Margaret Dalton Systems Analyst
  • “Even if they do slowly kill everyone around you, it’s still kind of nice knowing that what you say on Twitter actually affects stuff.”

    Michael St. George Implosion Superviser

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