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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Study: Low-Fat Diet Doesn't Lower Heart Disease

The findings of a new study show that low-fat diets do not reduce risk of cancer or heart disease. What do you think?
  • "Yes! Personal accountability takes another blow!"

    Don Conka Caricature Artist
  • "I've never heard of the Hardee's Institute For Health, but they've put out a very convincing study here."

    Megan Whittington Freight Elevator Operator
  • "What did it say about smoking? Was there anything in there about smoking? Can we start smoking again?"

    Bryan MacLean Doll Maker

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