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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Study: Low-Fat Diet Doesn't Lower Heart Disease

The findings of a new study show that low-fat diets do not reduce risk of cancer or heart disease. What do you think?
  • "Yes! Personal accountability takes another blow!"

    Don Conka Caricature Artist
  • "I've never heard of the Hardee's Institute For Health, but they've put out a very convincing study here."

    Megan Whittington Freight Elevator Operator
  • "What did it say about smoking? Was there anything in there about smoking? Can we start smoking again?"

    Bryan MacLean Doll Maker

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