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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Study: Married Couples Who Smoke Marijuana Have Fewer Fights

According to a new study from the University of Buffalo, married couples who both regularly smoke marijuana are less likely to experience domestic violence and fighting, which may be because pot smokers are possibly happier people. What do you think?

  • “Yes, but they’re also that couple always talking about a car that runs on water.”

    Lisa Ryan Inkwell Refiller
  • “No thanks. Fighting is the only time my husband and I really communicate.”

    Seth Stronge Logo Consultant
  • “Watch out, though. It’s scary how easy it is to move on to heavier drugs with an even happier marriage.”

    Carlos Muir Tattoo Remover
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