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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Study: Married Couples Who Smoke Marijuana Have Fewer Fights

According to a new study from the University of Buffalo, married couples who both regularly smoke marijuana are less likely to experience domestic violence and fighting, which may be because pot smokers are possibly happier people. What do you think?

  • “Yes, but they’re also that couple always talking about a car that runs on water.”

    Lisa Ryan Inkwell Refiller
  • “No thanks. Fighting is the only time my husband and I really communicate.”

    Seth Stronge Logo Consultant
  • “Watch out, though. It’s scary how easy it is to move on to heavier drugs with an even happier marriage.”

    Carlos Muir Tattoo Remover

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