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Study: Meerkats Have Dark, Sinister Side

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CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

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CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

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Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

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HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

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SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

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HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Study: Meerkats Have Dark, Sinister Side

Contrary to their portrayal in cartoons and shows like Meerkat Manor, which depict them as cute and cuddly, a new study has found that meerkats can actually be mean and sinister, with females banishing other moms from the group and eating their offspring to create babysitters for their own pups. What do you think?

  • “When you’ve been in the public eye as long as meerkats, things like this are bound to surface eventually.”

    Harry Gondelman Deck Sweeper
  • “Are you telling me selectively edited footage of meerkats scored with cartoonish music might not have been giving me the full story?”

    Marjorie Suzman Scarf Knitter
  • “Like the brooding anti-heroes of cable television, we don’t have to condone their actions to be compelled by them.”

    Peter Broadhead Unemployed

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