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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Study: Meerkats Have Dark, Sinister Side

Contrary to their portrayal in cartoons and shows like Meerkat Manor, which depict them as cute and cuddly, a new study has found that meerkats can actually be mean and sinister, with females banishing other moms from the group and eating their offspring to create babysitters for their own pups. What do you think?

  • “When you’ve been in the public eye as long as meerkats, things like this are bound to surface eventually.”

    Harry Gondelman Deck Sweeper
  • “Are you telling me selectively edited footage of meerkats scored with cartoonish music might not have been giving me the full story?”

    Marjorie Suzman Scarf Knitter
  • “Like the brooding anti-heroes of cable television, we don’t have to condone their actions to be compelled by them.”

    Peter Broadhead Unemployed
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