Study: Morning Light Can Help You Lose Body Fat

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Vol 50 Issue 14

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Scholars: ‘Gospel Of Jesus’ Wife’ Authentic

Two years after the discovery of a papyrus that includes the phrase “Jesus said to them, ‘my wife,’” researchers have announced that the fragment is not a forgery and was likely written in the Middle Ages, though it does not necess...

Woman Barely Jogging

PORTLAND, OR—Making negligible movements with her arms and legs as she sluggishly made her way along the sidewalk, a woman gradually progressing down Madison Street Friday was barely even jogging, sources confirmed.

Last Living California Raisin Dies Of Prostate Cancer

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Beebop, the percussionist and last surviving member of the 1980s R&B supergroup The California Raisins, died Thursday following a lengthy battle with prostate cancer, multiple sources confirmed this morning.
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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Energy

Study: Morning Light Can Help You Lose Body Fat

According to a new study, people who regularly expose themselves to early morning sunlight by waking up early are more likely to have a lower body mass index. What do you think?

  • “So I just have to wake up at the crack of dawn and start exercising? I’m sorry, but that sounds just a little too easy.”

    Gavin Harreman
    Systems Analyst
  • “Yeah, but I only wake up early so I can try to squeeze in a second breakfast before Sell This House! comes on.”

    Charlie Lundberg
    Technical Analyst
  • “Good. I’ve been looking for another thing that isn’t diet and exercise.”

    Margaret Chapman
    Case Worker
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