Study: Nearly Half Of Americans Can’t Swim

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Study: Nearly Half Of Americans Can’t Swim

According to a new study by the Red Cross, 46 percent of Americans who say they know how to swim can’t perform the five water safety skills that are essential for saving oneself from drowning. What do you think?

  • “If we have to learn all that stuff, then what the hell are we paying all the lifeguards for?”

    Tim Fernandez
    Outlet Inventory Planner
  • “Rising sea levels will weed them out soon enough.”

    Oliver Brogan
    Gift Wrapper
  • “Can’t we just strap them to the other half who can?”

    Amanda Firmani
    Still Photographer