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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Study: Nearly Half Of Americans Can’t Swim

According to a new study by the Red Cross, 46 percent of Americans who say they know how to swim can’t perform the five water safety skills that are essential for saving oneself from drowning. What do you think?

  • “If we have to learn all that stuff, then what the hell are we paying all the lifeguards for?”

    Tim Fernandez Outlet Inventory Planner
  • “Rising sea levels will weed them out soon enough.”

    Oliver Brogan Gift Wrapper
  • “Can’t we just strap them to the other half who can?”

    Amanda Firmani Still Photographer

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