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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Study: People Appear More Beautiful In Groups

Researchers in California found that individuals’ faces are rated as more attractive when they appear alongside those of other people, with the scientists saying that a person’s asymmetries and disproportional features appear to “average out” in groups. What do you think?

  • “So all those cheerleaders I had crushes on in high school were actually hideous?”

    Dick Twomey Mica Inspector
  • “Which is why I continue to get off on every photo of Congress I can get my hands on.”

    Pauline MacLachlan Scullion
  • “No wonder I tuned out once Sting went solo.”

    Ray Dixon Noise Abatement Engineer
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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