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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Study: Popular Children Meaner

A paper published in the American Sociological Review found that the more teens struggled to be popular in their schools, the more aggressive they were. What do you think?

  • "Kids need to know that you can get just as popular by kissing ass."

    Max Fortis Felt Cutter
  • "I don't know about this. My kid's a huge asshole, but he's not popular at all."

    Tim Spiegel Warp Coiler
  • "My own work hasn't shown that popular children are mean, but rather that dorkwads and rejects tend to be thin-skinned crybabies."

    Sandra Birnbach Social Psychologist
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