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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Study: Popularity Can Raise Risk Of Being Bullied

Contradicting the common belief that bullies primarily target social outcasts, a new study has found that children who move up the social ladder to become more popular can also experience bullying. What do you think?

  • “It cut like a knife when kids used to mock my nice clothes and rugged good looks.”

    Brent Cronin Litigation Attorney
  • “What about the forgotten kids in the middle? Isn’t anyone going to make fun of them?”

    Marcia Krister Medical Supply Retailer
  • “This is why I only wear my Oakley wraparound shades at home.”

    Dan Oster Systems Analyst
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