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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Study: Premarital Cohabitation Doesn’t Raise Risk Of Divorce

Contradicting previous studies claiming premarital cohabitation leads to divorce, research from the University of North Carolina has found that living together before marriage has little or no effect on marriage success rates. What do you think?

  • “I prefer the surprise of finding out that a spouse is impossible to live with.”

    Erick Besser Freelance Consultant
  • “Did they happen to mention how much it increases your chances of going to hell forever, though?”

    Jane Kurant Systems Analyst
  • “And you save a lot on utilities.”

    Alec Kirhoffer Police Dog Trainer
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