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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Study: Psychedelic Mushrooms May Be Good For Brain

According to a study published in the journal Human Brain Mapping, the chemical psilocybin, which produces the hallucinatory effects experienced by people ingesting psychedelic “magic mushrooms,” may also produce feelings of optimism and happiness that last months after the mushrooms are consumed. What do youthink?

  • “Maybe, but I still wouldn’t recommend taking a huge wad of them at a Green Bay Packers game.”

    Meredith Gorman Medical Waste Packager
  • “Glad these researchers were able to grow back their arms and write down their findings.”

    Doug Katz Head Ethicist
  • “Come on, aren’t there any drugs left that just fuck you up?”

    Mitchell Langley Worm Technician
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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