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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Study: Psychedelic Mushrooms May Be Good For Brain

According to a study published in the journal Human Brain Mapping, the chemical psilocybin, which produces the hallucinatory effects experienced by people ingesting psychedelic “magic mushrooms,” may also produce feelings of optimism and happiness that last months after the mushrooms are consumed. What do youthink?

  • “Maybe, but I still wouldn’t recommend taking a huge wad of them at a Green Bay Packers game.”

    Meredith Gorman Medical Waste Packager
  • “Glad these researchers were able to grow back their arms and write down their findings.”

    Doug Katz Head Ethicist
  • “Come on, aren’t there any drugs left that just fuck you up?”

    Mitchell Langley Worm Technician

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