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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Study: Settling For Adequate Partner Better Than Waiting For Soulmate

According to researchers who studied the risk-taking behavior of early humans, people are better off, from an evolutionary standpoint, settling for a mate who’s available but maybe not the most ideal choice instead of waiting for a superior partner to come along. What do you think?

  • “The happiest day of my life was when I computed that I was statistically unlikely to improve upon Jennifer.”

    Robert Reedy Exhibit Designer
  • “If only Hollywood could capture the thrill of settling.”

    Helen Wilson Airbrusher
  • “Damn. And I’ve been going to college and jogging every day like a sucker.”

    Gordon Salinas Locomotive Inspector

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