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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Study: Settling For Adequate Partner Better Than Waiting For Soulmate

According to researchers who studied the risk-taking behavior of early humans, people are better off, from an evolutionary standpoint, settling for a mate who’s available but maybe not the most ideal choice instead of waiting for a superior partner to come along. What do you think?

  • “The happiest day of my life was when I computed that I was statistically unlikely to improve upon Jennifer.”

    Robert Reedy Exhibit Designer
  • “If only Hollywood could capture the thrill of settling.”

    Helen Wilson Airbrusher
  • “Damn. And I’ve been going to college and jogging every day like a sucker.”

    Gordon Salinas Locomotive Inspector

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