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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Study: Sex Education Should Start As Early As Age 10

A new study from researchers at Georgetown University suggests that children should start taking sexual education courses as young as age 10 to prevent teen pregnancies and STDs, arguing in part that early sex ed classes can get them proper information before they hear it from misinformed classmates and older kids. What do you think?

  • “Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just teach one 10-year-old and let him spread the information at recess?”

    Robert Sullivan Ranch Hand
  • “Actually, I find that having a few serious misconceptions about sex is what keeps it interesting.”

    Alice Campbell Kayaking Guide
  • “The last thing I need is a bunch of 10-year-old know-it-alls telling me I’m having sex all wrong.”

    Donald Hobart Unemployed

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