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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Study: Smartphones Make Parents Ignore Kids

According to a study from Boston Medical Center, parents who used their mobile devices to text, email, or play games while they were around their kids were more likely to ignore or have negative interactions with them. What do you think?

  • “I may not be able to afford a smartphone, but I ignore my kids good as any other dad.”

    Hank Finney Mascot Designer
  • “That’s why I bought my 3-year-old his own iPad to stare at. Now everyone’s happy.”

    Doug Scott Systems Analyst
  • “I ignore my son because he’s a miserable disappointment, but to each his own, I suppose.”

    Bridget Yelchin Claims Adjuster

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