Study: Smokers Bad For Workplace

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Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.
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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Study: Smokers Bad For Workplace

A new study shows that smokers have a poorer-than-average work performance and call in sick more than non-smokers. What do you think?
  • "I smoke and it doesn't affect my performance at work. Even if it did, I can quit my job anytime."

    Ryan Van Duyne
    Admissions Officer
  • "I don't see what's wrong with wanting to take a few days to yourself to get some important smoking done."

    Arch Potts
    Mobile Disc Jockey
  • "I think this can all be solved if smokers simply switch to pipes. Who doesn't appear smarter and more productive with a pipe?"

    Pepper Day
    Neurosurgeon
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