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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Study: Smokers Bad For Workplace

A new study shows that smokers have a poorer-than-average work performance and call in sick more than non-smokers. What do you think?
  • "I smoke and it doesn't affect my performance at work. Even if it did, I can quit my job anytime."

    Ryan Van Duyne Admissions Officer
  • "I don't see what's wrong with wanting to take a few days to yourself to get some important smoking done."

    Arch Potts Mobile Disc Jockey
  • "I think this can all be solved if smokers simply switch to pipes. Who doesn't appear smarter and more productive with a pipe?"

    Pepper Day Neurosurgeon

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