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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Study: Tennis Leads To Longer Life

A decade-long study tracking adults’ fitness habits found that those who played racket sports like tennis, badminton, or squash were 47 percent less likely to die during the study. What do you think?

  • “So you’re saying that bastard Jimmy Connors isn’t going anywhere soon.”

    Stu Rippon Elastics Expert
  • “I knew there was a correlation between paying $400 a week for tennis lessons and having quality medical care!”

    Brad Thaymore Crate Shipper
  • “Oh yeah. I just realized how many tennis courts I’ve been to without spotting a single corpse.”

    Carol Dolan Floss Spooler

More from this section

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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