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Study: Too Much TV Can Lead To Early Death

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Study: Too Much TV Can Lead To Early Death

According to an eight-year study published by the Journal of the American Heart Association, people who excessively watch television have a significantly higher risk of premature death from cardiovascular disease, cancer, and other causes than those who don’t. What do you think?

  • “Hey, somebody’s got to be out there every day, risking his or her life to watch all these shows.”

    Rob Murray Panel Moderator
  • “But what about those times my heart races during a romantic monologue? Is that not exercise?”

    Jennifer Volness Piano Teacher
  • “How cruel that these people are robbed of so many years that could be filled with watching more TV.”

    Henry Jacobson Car Wash Supervisor

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