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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Study: Too Much TV Can Lead To Early Death

According to an eight-year study published by the Journal of the American Heart Association, people who excessively watch television have a significantly higher risk of premature death from cardiovascular disease, cancer, and other causes than those who don’t. What do you think?

  • “Hey, somebody’s got to be out there every day, risking his or her life to watch all these shows.”

    Rob Murray Panel Moderator
  • “But what about those times my heart races during a romantic monologue? Is that not exercise?”

    Jennifer Volness Piano Teacher
  • “How cruel that these people are robbed of so many years that could be filled with watching more TV.”

    Henry Jacobson Car Wash Supervisor

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