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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Study: Too Much TV Can Lead To Early Death

According to an eight-year study published by the Journal of the American Heart Association, people who excessively watch television have a significantly higher risk of premature death from cardiovascular disease, cancer, and other causes than those who don’t. What do you think?

  • “Hey, somebody’s got to be out there every day, risking his or her life to watch all these shows.”

    Rob Murray Panel Moderator
  • “But what about those times my heart races during a romantic monologue? Is that not exercise?”

    Jennifer Volness Piano Teacher
  • “How cruel that these people are robbed of so many years that could be filled with watching more TV.”

    Henry Jacobson Car Wash Supervisor
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