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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Study: Video Games Make Kids More Aggressive

Contradicting previous research indicating that video games don’t negatively affect children’s behavior, a new study has found that playing games makes kids react to real-world situations in hostile and aggressive ways. What do you think?

  • “The question is, are violent teens more drawn to these games? And if so, which games and how much do they cost? I’m scrambling to find something for my son’s birthday.”

    Willi Harper Systems Analyst
  • “My child was an angry and confused boy long before we got him an Xbox.”

    Marilynne Britz Home Goods Reviewer
  • “I can see this being true for a violent, angry game like Call Of Duty, but what about more subtle, poetic works of art such as Gears Of War?"

    David Robertson Dinner Guest Seater

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