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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Study: Women Fake Orgasms To Increase Sexual Arousal

A new study has found that in addition to faking orgasms for the purpose of protecting a partner’s ego and ending sex, many women fake orgasms in order to increase sexual arousal so they can work themselves up to an actual orgasm. What do you think?

  • “Women do the hottest stuff when you leave them sexually unsatisfied.”

    Grant Herlihey Warehouse Supervisor
  • “If I’m not needed then why am I wasting my time doing this?”

    Daniel Alleway Historical Map Archivist
  • “Women who can’t even orgasm through intercourse alone must have something really wrong with them.”

    Matthew Aronson Catering Menu Planner

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