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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Study: Women Threatened By Peers Wearing Red

According to a new study in which women were shown pictures of peers wearing dresses of different colors, subjects viewed those wearing the color red as sexual threats or romantic rivals. What do you think?

  • “That’s why, when I wear red, I am always careful to wear it in the form of a shapeless, oversized turtleneck sweater with a baseball cap worn sideways.”

    Kayla Schmidt Community Liaison
  • “Isn’t that just like a woman to be subtly influenced by the unconscious evolutionary cues that affect us all.”

    Marcus Burton Hardwood Floor Refinisher
  • “Oh please. I can find something way more trivial than a red dress to feel threatened by.”

    Bethany Miller CrossFit Instructor

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