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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Subway Now Largest Restaurant Chain

Last year, the sandwich chain Subway surpassed McDonald's as the franchise restaurant with the most locations in the world. What do you think?

  • "I hope Subway doesn't let this go to its head and become complacent about offering a mediocre meal at a barely reasonable price."

    Jenna Gray Systems Analyst
  • "Aha! I knew the fresh bread smell was getting stronger!"

    Lee Anderson Glue-Mill Operator
  • "So a few hundred million of us like to watch people toast bread for 45 seconds, okay?"

    Jesse Seiber Unemployed

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