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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Subway Removing Shoe Rubber Chemical From Sandwich Bread

Subway has said that it will begin removing the chemical azodicarbonamide from its sandwich bread after a prominent food blogger pointed out that the same additive is used in yoga mats and shoe rubber. What do you think?

  • “Did Subway reveal which chemical they use to keep all their meats soaking wet?”

    Michael Davis Systems Analyst
  • “I applaud the effort to keep shoes and bread separate, but it’s a losing battle.”

    Irene Long Scenic Artist
  • “Great, now I have to go back to eating Reeboks stuffed with meat.”

    Chris Heitman Project Manager

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