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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Sugar-Free Gum Linked To Diarrhea

Doctors in Berlin have found that sorbitol, the artificial sweetener found in many sugar-free gums, can lead to chronic diarrhea and considerable weight loss. What do you think?
  • "I look and smell great, so what if I have a little diarrhea?"

    Wendy Beauvoir Choir Director
  • "It also leads to a million friends asking for a stick of your gum. Jeez. If you want gum, bring it yourself!"

    Wes Funa Hair Stylist
  • "Doesn't affect me. I was born a Hubba Bubba man, I'll die a Hubba Bubba man."

    Chris Smith Systems Analyst

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