adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Suicide Bombings In The U.S.?

According to intelligence officials, al-Qaeda or another terrorist group may one day attempt to carry out a suicide bombing on U.S. soil. What do you think?
  • "Sept. 11 was meant to weaken our nation's resolve, but it only strengthened it. One or two more attacks should weaken it, though."

    Ron Dempster Custodian
  • "Suicide bombing is the coward's way out. Tainting a city's water supply with a rare and lethal compound from deep space is the evil genius' way out."

    Eric Lattimore Truck Driver
  • "Did you say I can get unlimited DVD rentals from Netflix.com for just $19.95 a month? Oh, you said suicide bombers may attack here. Never mind."

    Tom McEwan Systems Analyst
  • "As long as we heed the vice-president's urging to generally be on alert for things, our nation is impregnable."

    Nate Tucker Electrical Engineer
  • "Turn on the TV these days, and all you see is sex and potential violence."

    Melinda Collins Homemaker
  • "The U.S. is safe, so long as the terrorists don't see us being critical of President Bush."

    Diana Reese Lab Assistant

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close